Little Update: Boots and invite to ‘Overload’ Book Launch

Mea Culpa – I have been neglectful of my blog. I need to be honest with myself (and you) and let go of the guilt of not updating weekly/bi-weekly, or let’s face it, even monthly.

Life just keeps getting in the way. ‘Want to make [insert a god} laugh, tell him your plans.’

So when I last left off, I had announced that my book Overload: a Brother, a Wake and a Secret, had been taken up by publishers, Sweeney & O’Donovan. A lot has happened to bring it to this final week (Oct 6th 2022) when it will be launched, but more of that later, as I would like to share something with you before that.

Back in May, my Husband (yes, my hubby with capital H) suffered a stroke (blot clot to the brain) – he is 53. To say it was a shock is putting it mildly and life took a different route for us all. I am pleased to say that he is recovering very well physically and the family are all adjusting to the ‘new’ person he is as a result of his acquired brain injury. He personally has a very different struggle and there could be a whole other blog on that I am sure. But I won’t go there.

not-so Little Hubby recovering in CUH- May 2022

As it happened we had already booked a short walking holiday for the Camino Portuguese in September and this became our focus to get the Hubby back up and excited about living (with Doc’s approval of course).

The trip would entail a short haul flight to Santiago in Spain, and bus transfer approx 80km south. We would then start walking our way back up towards the pilgrimage-reward that is Santiago Compostela. Each day we walked some, as our bags were transferred to the next hotel ahead of us. (I call it the Posh Camino)

Had all been well we would have walked an average of 20Km per day – but due to the stroke and taking it easy, we focused on the walking and not the distance. We would walk as far as my Hubby was able and then arrange for a taxi transfer on to the next hotel where we linked up with our friends who had walked the whole way. There was one day where I got to walk solo and this was sooooo good for my soul I cannot put it into words.

Solo Camino

Interestingly on coming home so many people ask us how far did we walk – as if that was the important part – when in fact I came up with a whole new motto for us, so it did not become about the distance covered.

It’s not about the Pace but the Sense of Place

We had a wonderful break. Only 4 days but felt like a wonderful lifetime. Great scenery, walks, food and people. And just being.

Now, again, there are so many blogs on walking the Camino and I will leave those bloggers do what they do best. I do want to share something that connected with me along the way:

BOOTS

When one is walking the Camino there are many foot types, the most common being walking shoes/boots. Feet are the focus for minding and preventing/caring for blisters. If your feet are suffering the whole experience can be a miserable.

I kept thinking of my Brother (whose ashes I had brought with me along the way) and often thought about his boots. Being physically disabled, he didn’t really need boots – his wheelchair did the ‘walking’ for him. But he loved his boots for comfort and heat.

I loved how boots showed up in various images along the Camino way….

and this one below struck me most.

If you look closely, the soles of the boots are not worn.

And this reminded me of my Brother’s soles – which are also unworn – so I thought to share with you an extract from Overload……

For a man who could not walk, my Brother wore a pair of boots that bore the markings of many of
life’s miles. Yet turn them over and the soles are as new and unworn as the day they were
purchased. My Brother’s boots are a good metaphor of how he lived. Mountain boots. Hard core,
designed for trekkers, with reinforced toe, thick soles, high lace ups, ankle and arch supporting. At
first glance, his are fit for recycling. Worn, ripped, scuffed, discoloured, seams threadless. Friction
and weathering has left the once black shiny leather dull, faded, and grey. Almost white in places.
‘Will-do’ laces strain on the Northwest hooks to keep some order on the otherwise as-good-as-fit-
for-the-bin size tens. Years of rubbing off his chair wheels have the upper outsoles scuffed and
threadbare. Seams ripped and thinned so much in places that they curl back on themselves as if
grinning at the world. Droplets of paint dot the grey toes here and there because of his years of
artwork. Red, blues, greens: a unique signature of cosmic-like splodges symbolic of his effervescent
universe. ‘A man without boots feels sorry for himself until he meets the man without feet.’ Anyone
who knew my Brother, knew his boots. They may not have chosen to walk in them but would have
been honoured to have been asked.

If you would like to read more, the book Overload will launch this Thursday, 6th October. And there will be a Dublin event too, Thursday 27th October – feel free to come along. The book will be available nationwide from independent booksellers and on line from Amazon/Sweeney & O’Donovan from October 6th 2022.

Hope to see you there!

Life lesson, from a movie

I couldn’t put a word on it.  The something that changed in me after my brother died.  The something that was not grief.

We all know grief.  No, that is not right.  We don’t all know grief.  Grief is only open to a special member’s club.  Those that have loved, and lost.  Some might claim to think they know what grief is.  Sympathise with you.  But until they have actually experienced it for themselves, then, no they don’t know.  They don’t belong to ‘the club’.

grief

I was non member and used to nod my head and rub someone’s arm, or hug them, thinking I understood when they spoke about a lost loved one. (We are not talking pets here – for I have grieved those too)  But I didn’t really know what is was to lose some one close.  And then, without having to pay any dues, or tick any box of terms and conditions, I became an automatic member.  February 2 2016.  A month short of the full 12 months subscription.  Oh, didn’t they tell you? It renews every 12 months.  Actually, it renews with every memory blip.

Anyone can look up grief, and learn what to expect:  the five stages of grief, tips on grieving, bereavement counseling, there is even a quiz on grief  But there is very little on the joy of grief.

WAIT – what?!  The joy of grief?

confused puppy

Yes, you see that is the bit that took me by surprise too.  And I couldn’t quite put my finger on how to pin it down, how to name it, until I saw the movie ‘Collateral Beauty’.  (No, we are not talking Arnold Schwarzenegger here, that is Collateral Damage and a whole different movie.)  This one is ‘Collateral Beautywith a fabulous cast of Will Smith, Edward Norton, Keira Knightly, Helen Mirren, Kate Winslet…. to name a few.   In short, the movie follows a man (Will Smith) who copes with his daughter’s death by writing letters to Time, Death and Love.

collateral beauty

For me it was a sort of ‘Love Actually’ meets ‘A Christmas Carol’ with a ‘totally did not see that coming’ twist at the end.  I loved it.  Loved it.  The movie critics couldn’t help but point out the “fundamental flaws” but  I was more than happy to suspend my disbelief and go with it.

I digress.  Back to the ‘Something’.  Collateral Beauty.  That is what made me sit up and go ” yes, that is it!”

You see, after my brother died, yes I grieved, but  I was also woken up to this new Something.  I found myself circling the wagons, life became about the non material stuff.  The first two years I definitely grieved, (it took me a long time to be able to say ‘Fergus is dead”) and went through the different “stages”.  Equally I became obsessed with Time (realising, it is short), Death  (is it really the end?) and Love (“better to have loved and lost, then not loved at all”).

There are some great quotes in  the movie:

As for Collateral Beauty in my reality –  I no longer cared about money, stuff and goals.  My focus became much more inwardly and examining the small stuff.  Death and grief showed me how vulnerable I was.  And as a result I started to appreciate all the things that I have, as opposed to wanted.  Appreciated what was around me.  Literally.  I would stop and take time to watch an ant march or a hen scratch and peck.  Clouds became art forms.  I became mindful.  Started to see the beauty in everything.  No, that’s not quite right.  Would look for the beauty in everything.  When I walked, I was ON THE WALK.  My head wasn’t in the office or at home thinking about dinner.  Before my brother died, I didn’t do that.  I didn’t see the beauty.  No, again, that it not quire right.  I saw beauty, but I didn’t look for it.  Now I do.  Mostly it finds me.   The death of my brother opened my mind, and my heart.  It is as if it is the payment I received  having loved my brother:    Collateral Beauty.

When I started to research it, of course, I found lots on it.  Here is another piece where it is expanded and others contribute to their take on it.  And while it it is not referenced, but I believe this ted talk touches on it too,  for through vulnerability we become more connected.

COLLATERAL BEAUTY – what was pledged to me as a result of Death, Time & Love

It is a gift I have been given, in a way…

a free gift in conjunction with joining the new

‘Special Member’s Club’.

Are you a member?

Do you see the Collateral Beauty?

moon